Every now and then, Naledi asks me a question: “Why did you choose me?” Sometimes she asks it with genuine surprise. There is something about the way she says it that makes me think she really believes she is the fortunate one. As though, out of all the women I could have married, somehow she was privileged that I chose her. I usually smile. Because the older I get, and the longer I am married to her, the more I think we have the question the wrong way around. Perhaps I should be asking: “Naledi, why did you choose me?” And I don’t say that because I want to sound humble. I say it because almost ten years of marriage have given me a much better understanding of the woman I married—and of myself.
Ten Years Later
On 26 November 2016, Naledi became my wife. On 26 November this year, Lord willing, we will celebrate ten years of marriage. Ten years sounds significant when I write it down. We were younger when we made those vows. We knew that marriage would require commitment, sacrifice, forgiveness and perseverance. At least, we knew those words. I am not sure we knew what they meant yet. You learn their meaning by living them. Marriage has a way of taking theological words and putting flesh on them. You discover what forgiveness means when there is actually something to forgive. You discover sacrifice when giving something up costs you. You discover faithfulness not in the wedding photographs, but in thousands of ordinary days afterwards. And over those thousands of days, I have been watching my wife. Perhaps not always carefully enough.
Some Things Become Clearer With Time
There are things about Naledi that I appreciated when we got married. There are other things I only learned about her because we got married. And then there are things I was watching for years without properly understanding what I was seeing. That last category has been occupying my thoughts lately. Sometimes you are living through something and only years later realise what the person beside you was carrying. Sometimes what seemed ordinary at the time looks extraordinary when you look back. Sometimes you remember something your spouse did five years ago and think: I don’t think I ever properly thanked you for that. As we approach ten years, I want to correct some of that.
Eight Answers
So, for the next eight Thursdays, I am going to try to answer Naledi’s question. “Why did you choose me?” Eight articles. Eight answers. I am not going to tell you what they are yet. Some will come from happy memories. Some will come from difficult ones. Some will be about things I recognised immediately. Others will be about things I understood only years later. I suspect some will make Naledi laugh. Some may make both of us cry. But all of them will be my attempt to look back over almost ten years and say: I saw that. Or perhaps, more truthfully in some cases: I see it now. Then on Thursday, 26 November, our tenth anniversary, I will give her my final answer.
Perhaps You Can Join Us
I also want to invite those who read these articles to do something with me over these eight weeks. You don’t have to write articles. Just pay attention. If you are married, look again at the person beside you. What have you become accustomed to? What does your husband or wife do so regularly that you no longer notice it? What sacrifice have you never properly acknowledged? What happened years ago that you understand differently now? And perhaps, as each Thursday’s article comes out, you can join the conversation in the comments.
You might simply complete this sentence: “One thing I appreciate about my spouse is…” If you are not married, you can do the same for someone God has used significantly in your life. My only request is this: tell them first. Don’t let the Life & Doctrine comments section be the first place they discover that you appreciate them. Say it at home. Then, if you would like to, come and tell us about it too. Perhaps by 26 November these articles will contain more than the story of one husband appreciating his wife. Perhaps they will encourage a few of us to notice again the people God has graciously placed beside us.
Why Did You Choose Me?
Naledi, these articles will be public, but they are really for you. For almost ten years you have occasionally asked me: “Why did you choose me?” Maybe I have never answered properly. Perhaps part of the problem is that I have tried to answer a ten-year question in a few sentences. So this time I want to take my time. Eight Thursdays. Eight answers. And I’m keeping them from you too. You’ll have to wait with everyone else.
But I can tell you this much before we begin: On 26 November 2016, I knew that I loved you. Almost ten years later, I know far more about why. Thursday, I begin with answer number one.