Have you heard someone say, “These days, lobola is over R100 000”? Maybe you’ve even felt that quiet pressure — the worry that if you don’t pay a big amount, people will think you don’t value your bride.
But here’s a question worth asking: What if the real problem isn’t the amount itself, but what it does to young couples starting out?
Lobola is a beautiful African custom. It shows honour, gratitude, and unity between families. Yet, in our desire to do the right thing, many of us have watched this tradition become heavy, even painful. The amount grows, the expectations rise, and soon joy turns into anxiety.
When Culture Meets Financial Strain
In some provinces, the “average” lobola can be around R80 000 or more. At the
same time, reports show that nearly 40% of South Africans under 35 struggle with
debt or missed payments.
Once a couple marries, money problems are the second leading cause of divorce after unfaithfulness. That’s not just a statistic — that’s the quiet breaking of many homes.
So we must ask: if the price of lobola pushes us into debt before the wedding day,
what kind of start are we giving our marriage?
“The borrower is slave to the lender.” — Proverbs 22:7
The Pressure We All Know
Many young men have felt it — the long family meetings, the proud comparisons:
“This is what your cousin paid.”
“This is our family standard.”
“This is about dignity.”
But sometimes dignity becomes debt. A man borrows, promises more than he can afford, and begins married life already tired. Soon the joy of marriage gives way to financial strain and emotional distance.
And when that happens, no one wins. Not the groom, not the bride, not even the families who hoped for blessing.
What Scripture Reminds Us
The Bible never mentions lobola, but it gives timeless wisdom about money,
marriage, and freedom.
- Be wise stewards. “The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it.” — Psalm 24:1
What we own belongs to God; we manage it wisely. - Be content. “Keep your life free from the love of money.” — Hebrews 13:5
A peaceful home is worth more than a high lobola. - Love like Christ. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church.” — Ephesians 5:25
Christ showed love through sacrifice, not display.
When the gospel shapes how we view lobola, the focus shifts — from impressing
others to serving one another in humility.
Finding a Better Way Together
So what can couples and families do?
- Talk honestly. Let both families understand what’s possible.
- Agree on what honours both God and family. A smaller amount paid in peace is better than a large one paid in pain.
- Pay in stages if needed. There is no shame in taking time.
- Value relationship over price. Love, respect, and faith are worth more than any figure.
- Seek church guidance. Premarital and financial counselling help couples
begin marriage on solid ground.
“Better is a little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble with it.” —
Proverbs 15:16
The Role of the Church
Churches can model a different story — one where cultural beauty and biblical
wisdom walk together.
We can teach that culture is a gift, but not a god. We can remind parents that their children’s marriages will flourish more through prayer and support than through a high price tag. And we can walk with couples who want to honour tradition without becoming trapped by it.
A Biblical view does not reject culture; it redeems it. Christ’s gospel gives us the freedom to keep what is good and to release what brings harm.
A Better Beginning
Maybe you’re preparing for marriage. Or maybe your son or daughter soon will. When that time comes, remember this: the goal is not to impress anyone — it’s to build a godly home.
A marriage built on contentment and faith will last far longer than one built on debt
and pressure.
So, don’t pay a R100 k for lobola just to prove your worth. Pay what you can, with peace, gratitude, and Christ at the centre. Because in the end, it’s not the size of the lobola that gives your marriage value — it’s the grace of God that holds it together.
Siyabulela Zalabe
Pastor
A Reformed Baptist pastor devoted to sharing Christ-centered sermons, articles, books, and speaking engagements that unite sound doctrine with faithful Christian living.
Pastor Siyabulela is married to Naledi, and they are grateful parents to two daughters and a son. He serves as Senior Pastor of Cambridge Baptist Church in East London, Eastern Cape, South Africa.